breakup

My last post was nearly a year in a half ago. Much has changed since then.

Last August I made the big step of moving from sunny southern California to snowy Utah. For whatever reason the prompting of moving spoke to my heart. I knew I needed change. Something to challenge me both spiritually, physically, and mentally. So I packed my bags, saved as much money as I could and took the major leap of moving away from my family, friends and dog.

The first month was an utter shock. I had no definite job or direction. I was living in an apartment that was over priced with roommates that were very different from myself. Luckily I had my younger sister as my roomie. Which was my saving grace. We had many moments of going on drives around Provo crying our eyes out, talking it out discussing our fears and hopes. 

Like any single women in Utah. I desired to date and meet guys my own age with similar interest and values.  I met this guy. Our first date was easy and fun. We had dinner and talked for a couple hours about things that were of importance to both of us. I thought hmmm he is cute and fun. I think this could maybe go somewhere. From that day on we continued seeing each other. He soon became the highlight of my evenings. I looked forward to his text messages. His snaps and dinner dates.

Our dating was effortless and easy. I felt wanted and desired. It was new and exciting and I liked it. In past relationships I never felt the sense of being wanted. But with him I did. 

I wasn't stressing over us seeing each other the following day because I knew he liked me and I liked him. We learned about each other's interests, families, and goals. The more I got to spend quality time with him the more I liked what I saw. 

I thought he was the man that I had been looking for.

We went on adventures to the mountains, played in the snow, binged watched parks and rec, hot tubbed at the various apartment complexes, cooked dinner together, went to institute, firesides and church together, laughed our heads off, sang to the radio (as I was DJ), went on hikes, worked out at the gym, painted mugs, and most importantly just enjoyed being with each other. Every day was something new, and I couldn't get enough of him.

But as we progressed in our relationship there were a several behaviors that worried me. I tried pushing them away because I wanted this relationship to work. I had never spent so much time with one man that I was determined to make this relationship work.

As we approached the last month of our relationship our communication became strained and uncomfortable. I had these feelings of concern, but I feared expressing them. Soon I could sense him becoming distant and less affectionate in his words and actions. His demeanor was withdrawn and closed off.

On our sixth month anniversary, we played racquetball, hot tubbed, ate chipotle, and came back to my apartment to cuddle. He had to leave for the weekend due to work. As I kissed him goodbye that night, I knew when he would return everything would be different.

We had next to no communication as he was away, which was uncommon and odd. When he returned, he said he wanted to talk. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. The dreaded talk.

Before I met with him, I remember praying aloud asking God to please help me feel peace and his guidance. I pulled up at the exact moment he did. I opened my car door timid and anxious. I greeted him with an awkward hug. As I looked at him hardly recognized him. He looked sad, scared and closed off. We made small talk for a minute, before he began telling me that this relationship was something he no longer could do anymore.

I listened in utter shock. I was speechless. I felt like a dagger stabbed my heart a million times. I didn't have much to say to that and to be honest It now feels like a complete blur. We hugged goodbye and that was it.

The man that was my everything was breaking up with me. 

I was hurt. I was sad. And now he was gone. 

As I drove off after our brief conversation a flood of emotions came over me. It was surreal. I didn't know what to think. Tears streamed down my face as I drove far away from that dreaded parking lot. It felt like a bad dream that I was waiting to wake up from. Unfortunately, It was real life. And yet again I was back to square one. 

But you know what was the oddest part. I felt peace. I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of me. I could feel His love. As heartbroken as I was. I knew that God has a plan. And currently I do not know exactly what that is. But I do know that He knows what is best. He knows what I need. And for whatever reason He knows that this relationship is not what is best for me.

I still have feelings of sadness. I still long for the good parts of the relationship. I still miss him. I still have moments where I cry unexpectedly. But I feel peace knowing I am doing all that I can and God will help with the rest.

I am so grateful for the lessons I learned from this last relationship. He taught me that I can be open to caring for someone. I can let someone in. That love is real. And although not everything went as planned I know there is a reason for every single thing that happens.

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Fast Forward to January 1, 2018. I wanted to update you on where I stand with heartbreak. First let me start off by saying these months following have been some of the most hardest, difficult and trying months that I have ever experienced. 

I thought by now I would say I am completely healed and over him. But I still am a work in progress. I've really tried to stay busy and tried doing things that bring me happiness. I've been on several dates with other men. But nothing has compared with what I've had before.

Maybe that is due to the fact that I am not ready for love. Maybe there is some lessons still to be learned. I know there is more healing that needs to take place and this year I want nothing more than to be okay with being alone. I would like a man, but I don't want to need one.

I want to get to the point where I am perfectly content with going to dinner by myself or spending the night taking my dog on a walk. I'm still broken. But I do know that with God's help he can mend me back together. This is a process and a real journey. One day at a time. Here's to another year of learning.

XX-Hay